Goodbye To You
by hxchick
Summary: Dave tries to talk Ashley out of resigning and he ends up learning more than he ever wanted to. Written for the 'Times Are Changing' mini-challenge at the CCOAC forum.


Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is owned by CBS. I own nothing but my imagination.

Goodbye To You

**~This is my entry for the CCOAC 'The Times Are Changing' mini-challenge.**

* * *

She wasn't surprised when she heard the pounding on her apartment door. After all, she _had _resigned by leaving letters on both Hotch's and Dave's desk, thinking they had both left for the night. As she had waited for the elevator, she'd taken one last look around the empty bullpen and realized that she wasn't going to miss it. Sure, she would miss the feeling of being a part of a team, but ever since Emily had died, she had felt like an outsider intruding on the team's private grief. She'd nearly passed out when the doors opened and Dave stepped out of the elevator.

"What are you doing here so late, kid?" He asked as he held the doors open for her.

"Oh, um…I was just catching up on some paperwork," she replied. She wanted to tell him the truth, but she was too afraid of his reaction…she was scared that he would convince her to stay and she knew that, for her own sanity, she needed to leave. "What about you?" She asked. "I thought you left hours ago?"

"Yeah, but I forgot some files I need for my next book. I'm glad I remembered them before I got all the way to Little Creek," he said. "Anyway, as long as we're both here, do you feel like grabbing a bite to eat?" There was nothing romantic in his question, more like fatherly concern and Ashley felt horrible that she was about to ruin her relationship with him.

"No…no thanks Dave, I'm just going to go home and relax," she said as she stepped into the elevator.

"Well, have a good night Ashley," he said as the doors closed.

As the elevator slowly descended down to the parking level, Ashley willed it to move faster, because she knew that any minute Dave would discover the letter on his desk and she didn't want to be anywhere near Quantico when he did. Once the doors finally opened on her floor, she practically ran to her car and burned rubber leaving.

She was pulled from her reverie by another round of loud pounding on her door.

"Open the door, Ashley," Dave commanded as he continued to pound. "Goddammit Seaver! Open this fucking door right now!"

She didn't move from the sofa; maybe if she let him go long enough without answering, he would assume she wasn't home. Thank god she never gave him a key for emergencies; at least he wouldn't be able to get in.

"Ashley, if you don't open the goddamn door within the next ten seconds, I'll break it down and we both know I'm not bluffing!" He threatened loudly.

Dammit, did he have ESP? Could he actually read her mind? Hearing the shouts from her neighbors, rudely telling him to shut up, Ashley jumped off of her couch and ran to the door, if only to save it from being broken.

"Dammit Dave," she hissed as she flung open the door. "I have neighbors!"

"Do I look like I give a rat's ass about your neighbors?" He snarled rhetorically as he pushed past her and into the tiny apartment.

"Not especially," she mumbled as she closed the door. Taking a fortifying breath, she turned and walked past the irate man and into the small kitchen. "I was just about to make myself a cup of tea; would you like some?"

"No, I don't want any tea, I want to know why the fuck I found this letter on my desk!" He flung the white envelope at her like it was on fire.

"You found the letter because I am resigning from the Bureau, effective immediately, and in a civilized society one usually gives notice when leaving a job." She could see the anger flare even brighter in Dave's eyes and she instinctively took a step back.

"Believe me, little girl, the absolute _last _thing you want to do right now is get cute with me," he warned through clenched teeth as he towered over her. "Why didn't you tell me about it when we bumped into each other at the BAU? The way you did this was so underhanded, so _cowardly_, it blows my mind!"

"I am NOT a coward," she replied loudly. She would put up with a lot of things in her life, but she would be damned if this man would come to _her _home and judge her and since she no longer worked under him, she didn't feel the need to be overly polite to him. "I didn't tell you about it because I was trying to avoid a confrontation, I wanted you to process it before we talked again!"

"All the time in the world wouldn't have given me a chance to properly 'process' your actions! If you were unhappy on the team, you should have told me and we could have done something to make it better for you! You _don't _have to throw your new career in the toilet!" He said loudly.

"Make it better for me?" She asked in wonder. "Where have you been Dave? Nothing and I mean NOTHING could make that team better for me! I really needed to tell you that I was unhappy? For an investigator, you can't see shit that's in front of your eyes!" She yelled, her resolve to be calm about the situation finally gone.

"What are you talking about? Yeah, it's been a little rough for everyone lately, but we're family and you don't walk out on your family!"

Ashley shook her head in disbelief, "I have NEVER been a part of the BAU family and I never will be, even if I stay on the team for another thirty years!" She shouted as tears sprang to her eyes. "From day one I've been different and everyone could feel it. I am the daughter of a serial killer, the daughter of the people you guys chase and put away and you thought I would be accepted on the team? There was NO way that was ever going to happen and, deep down, I knew that from the beginning, but I allowed myself to hope that I would eventually have a place, a niche there, but I can't go on deceiving myself anymore...I deserve some happiness in my life, dammit!" The tears were coursing down her cheeks and she angrily swiped them away.

"Ashley, I know it's been-" Dave tried to speak, but the young woman wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise.

"No Dave, it's my turn now, you had your turn to bellow at me and now I get a turn to explain myself," she said firmly. "From day one I was always an oddity, an outcast on the team. The only person who seemed to accept me was Emily and maybe if she hadn't died that would have been enough to keep me at the BAU, maybe she would have been able to help me find my place on the team, but she's gone and I miss her…I miss her a lot."

"We all do, Ash," he said softly. "But that's no reason to quit."

"Haven't you been listening?" She shrieked, getting worked up again. "There is NO place for me to fit in on the team! Reid stares at me like I'm a specimen to be studied, Derek flat out doesn't trust me, and whether that's because of who my father was or because of my screw up on my first case, I don't know but he doesn't trust me. Penelope…I think Penelope and I could've been friends but since Emily died she's trying to find her own sense of place, of happiness, and she doesn't have the energy to help me. Hotch flat out despises me and I can't say I blame him since Strauss arbitrarily put me on the team without consulting him. And you…" she trailed off.

"Me what?" Dave asked confrontationally. He was still angry, but now a lot of the anger was directed at himself. The kid was right, he _should _have seen what had been happening to her, but he hadn't.

"You're not sure of me," she said. "You're protective, but pushy and I can tell at times you see me as the little kid you rescued from the clutches of her serial killer father. You'll never see me as a full agent."

"Maybe not," he admitted, not arguing with her, "But that's no reason to throw your career away. There are plenty of other departments you can work for-"

"No, I can't," she said firmly. "I have to leave the FBI."

"Why?" He asked as he resisted the urge to shake the stubbornness out of her.

"Because every time I step through the doors, I see the place that ruined my family! I tried, God how I tried! I wanted to atone for what my father did, for all of the lives he took, all of the families he ruined. I really wanted to like the place, I wanted to feel pride at being an FBI agent, but all I feel is revulsion!" She screamed.

"Ashley-" Dave said in a more gentle tone, knowing the young woman was at her breaking point.

She shook her head. "Every time I set foot in the office, every time I see other agents milling about, every time I think of what I've become, it sickens me. If it weren't for the FBI, my family might have stayed together! If it weren't for the FBI, my mother and I wouldn't have become outcasts! If it weren't for the fucking FBI, my mother wouldn't have drunk herself into a stupor every day for five years until she eventually died! If it weren't for the FBI, I wouldn't have been sent to live with relatives who didn't bother concealing their contempt for me and my lineage!"

"Don't you mean, if it wasn't for _me_, none of those things would've happened?" He asked quietly but forcefully. "After all, I was the lead agent in the investigation that ultimately took down your father and I was there that night when we arrested him."

Ashley jutted out her lower jaw, "You're right, I _do_ mean you! Every time I see you, I see the man who busted into our house and led my father out in handcuffs. I see the man who exposed our deepest, darkest family secrets to the outside world. When I talk to you, all I hear is the guy who questioned me and my mother about my father's activities, as if we had something to do with what he was! But," she paused and took a deep breath, "when I look at you, I also see what my life should have been like. I should have had a normal father, a father who didn't torture and butcher young women right in our basement! I should have had a father who cared about my well-being, who loved my mother and who wanted to protect us. I should've had a father who," she paused and blinked hard, "a father who didn't come into my bedroom in the middle of the night, who didn't…practice…some of the things on me before he did them to the women he abducted. When I look at you, I see all that I missed out on and I can't take it anymore. I HAVE to get out, I have to go before I lose the little bit of sanity I have left."

Dave swallowed hard as he looked at the shattered young woman in front of him; how many times had he thought about her over the years? He had worked many cases since that one, but it had always stuck in the back of his mind. How hard would it have been to check up on her every once in a while? But he hadn't, largely in part because he had to keep a distance from the cases in order to keep his _own_ sanity.

As for the molestation, he'd never known for sure that it had happened to her, but deep down he always knew that it had. Her father was one of the sickest, most twisted people he'd ever come across and there was no _way_ he would have been able to leave his young daughter alone, especially during the dry spell between victims.

"Ashley," he said softly, "I understand and I'm sorry. I really wanted you to be happy at the FBI and I wanted us to be friends, but I know now that can never happen; as much as I hate to see you leave, the last thing I want to do is cause you more pain in your life."

She felt a surge of relief course through her body. "I'm sorry Dave-" she began but he stopped her.

"Don't you _ever _apologize for how you feel! You've gone through more in your short life than anyone should ever have to," he said firmly as he walked towards the door. Ashley followed him and they stopped in front of it.

"What will you do?" He asked.

She shrugged, "I'm not sure…I think I'll travel for a while and then after that, who knows? I'm young and the world is my oyster, right?" She asked with false brightness.

"It is," he agreed as he opened the door. "You take care of yourself, kiddo."

"I will," she promised. "And Dave? Thanks…thanks for everything," she said.

He looked at her one last time and nodded, "Any time, sweetheart." With that, he turned and started down the hallway.

Ashley watched him for a few moments and then she finally closed the door and leaned against it; it was time to start the next chapter in her life and while she wasn't sure where it would take her, she knew it had to be better than this.


End file.
